Audrey's Incredible Slayers Impressions
by Audrey
Summary: It's really just chaotic mumbo-jumbo but if you're in the mood to laugh at stuff that's just random, this is a good fic to read. It's about...um...an eggplant running around a Target imitating Slayers characters. Oy.


# Audrey's incredibly stupid 'Slayers' impressions.

# 

15:05. April 12, 2000. Target test camera: M1628

RECORDING...

(An eggplant-y figure approaches the blurry camera. You hear weird elevator type music in the background. Someone pushes a red cart. A sign says Aisle 6: Electronics.)

Eggplant: And now....Audrey's Magnificent 'Slayers' Impressions!!!

15:05. April 12, 2000. Target test camera: M1628

RECORDING...

(An familiar eggplant shaped figure wearing red spandex, a cape with big shoulder pads, and with a big red clown wig appears in front of the camera.)

Audrey-Lena: WAAAAAH! ACKAWACKASCOOBADEEDOOOOO! YAAAAAK! FOOOOOOD!

(Passing shoppers stare.)

Audrey-Lena: *attacks a random woman* YAAAAACK! FOODFOODFOOD! YOU GOTTA WACKKAJACKASHOOBADEEDOO FOOOOD?!?!

Random Woman: Ahhh! No! I'm sorry! Here! You want my purse? Oh, _gawd_ get away....

Audrey-Lena: NO FOOD? THEN I'M GOING TO KILLLLL YOU!!! YACKWACKAEEEEEE! *contorts her face strangely*

Target Security: I'm sorry ma'am, we'll get this um... disturbance out right this instant. *grabs Audrey-Lena* C'mon, let's go.... You shouldn't be messing with those cameras anyways. They're not yours.

Audrey-Lena: AAAACK! WAGGAGAGGA! !!! DUUUUUUUH-RAGOOOOON SUH-LAAAAAAVE! *throws sprite in security guard's eyes*

Target Security: *rubs at burning eyes* Aaaah!

Audrey-Lena: *runs off cackling*

15:20. April 12, 2000. Target test camera: M1628

RECORDING...

(Another familiar looking eggplantish person. Wonder who it could be. This time, she's wearing a black wonderbra, tight blue spandex, and gold pantyhose on her head. She totes a plastic Obi-Wan from Phantom Menace lightsaber.)

Audrey-Gourry: Uh....Duh. *waves lightsaber around making lightsaber sounds* Phsssoooing. Shaaaaawinggggg.....Whirrrrr.... 

Random Woman...again: Oh dear...it's that maniac again....

Audrey-Gourry: Huh? Huhhuh? *blinks rapidly*

Target intercom: Security to aisle six, security to aisle six. Maniac with gold pantyhose on her head on aisle six. 

Target Security: I thought I told you not to mess around with these cameras.

Audrey-Gourry: Huh? Huhhuh? Who? Me? Oh, you must mean Lena. Uh...protect Lena! *pretends to fire projectiles from lightsaber* Pyooo! Pyoopyoo!

Target Security: *stares*

Audrey-Gourry: *slams lightsaber over security-guy's head* Uh....duh? Huh? Huh?

15:45. April 12, 2000. Target test camera: M1628

RECORDING...

(You know the drill. Eggplant girl. With a purple bowl on her head. With her eyes closed. With a towel wrapped around her. Holding a golf club.)

Audrey-Xelloss: Hee. Happyhappy. Hee. I'm going to go slaughter a million gazillion dragons. Hee. Happyhappy. Hee.

Random woman: *stares* She's...she's back....

Audrey-Xelloss: Hee. Happyhappyhappy. I'm going to take a puppy and rip its ears off and suck its life out. Hee. Happyhappy. Everything's nice.

Random woman's kid: Waaaaaah! He's gonna kill Fido!

Audrey-Xelloss: Hee. Happyhappy. I'm going to eat Fido alive and spit his bones in that little boy's face. Hee. Happy. Nice, happy. 

Target Security: Rargh! You again! I'm going to kill you you little freak!

Audrey-Xelloss: Can't. Invincible. Mazuko. Happyhappyhappy.

Target Security: Invincible, Mazda, whatever! You're gonna get your ass kicked!

Audrey-Xelloss: Happy. *throws tear gas and poofs* See? I'm disappeared. Hee. Happy.

16:03. April 12, 2000. Target test camera: M1628

RECORDING...

(Eggplant girl...but in natural form.)

Audrey: The question remains. Amelia: are they real?

16:08. April 12, 2000. Target test camera: M1628

RECORDING...

(Purple vegetable girl. In white pajamas and a bedsheet tied around her neck. And a blue bowl on her head. With... um... rocks....duct taped to her face.)

Audrey-Zelgadiss: ...hrm. *prowls, spots Random Woman*. Do you have a church? A castle? A temple?

Random Woman: *cries* Oh dear God, please just leave me alone!!!

Audrey-Zelgadiss: ...Um...don't look at my face and stuff?

Random Woman: Please! Somebody help me in Aisle six!

Target Security: You!!! *nostrils flare* I'm going to settle you once and for all! *headbutts Audrey-Zelgadiss, falls to the ground unconscious*

Audrey-Zelgadiss: *smiles as the bowl on her head cracks in half and falls to the floor.* I'm half Golem. Hee.

16:20. April 12, 2000. Target test camera: M1628

RECORDING...

(Munchy violet-hued organic material girl in a fluffy pink dress, with a blonde wig on. There's a belt with a bow on it hanging out under her dress, tucked in her underwear. :) )

Audrey-Filia: Hi! I'm Auri! Wanna be my fr- oh wait...that's not right....damn. Um....uheheh. I'm nice.

Random Woman: Oh, hello nice little girl. You haven't seen a horrid purple monster type thing around here, have you?

Audrey-Filia: *hyperventilates* Purple? Yes. Ugly....? *pulls a humongous baseball bat with nails in it from under her dress* AIIEEEE! DIEDIEDIE YE KIN OF XELLOSS!!!

Random Woman: AHHH! It's you!!!!

Audrey-Filia: You're not taking me seriously.

Target Security: You better not be who I think you are....

Audrey-Filia: I'm a dragon! I'm a dragon! Whee! *climbs a high shelf and starts jumping around.* I'm a dragon! Pshoo! *drops a can of paint on the security guard's head* 

16:42. April 12, 2000. Target test camera: M1628

RECORDING...

(Purple. Eggplant. Girl. In: White pajama pants and a shawl wrapped around her. There are..um... Oral B toothbrushes stuck to her head. In sea green. She has Hershey's chocolate syrup painted on her cheeks, and a orange traffic cone glued to the middle of her head)

Audrey-Valgarv: I'm eeeeeeevil. My head is itchy, but I'm eeeeeevil.

Random Woman: *cowers behind a shelf*

Audrey-Valgarv: I'm eeeeevil. And I have to pee, but I'm eeeeeeevil. I'll pee, but I'll pee eeeeeeevilly. Because I'm eeeeeevil. *grabs a plastic Darth Maul double bladed lightsaber* See? I am Darth Maul-ish eeeeevil.

Random Woman: *whimpers*

Audrey-Valgarv: Gaav? Is that you? Oh. Never mind. Anyways. I'm eeeeeevil. Yup, I gotta piss like a racehorse, but I'm eeeeeevil. *sticks a finger to her cheek, licks* Mmm. Fudgy. Um...I'm eating my evil facepaint but I'm eeeeevil. Yup. Evil. Mwahahaha. See? Evil laugh. 

Target Security: *slowly sneaks up on Audrey-Valgarv* Gotcha!

Audrey-Valgarv: (with arms pinned behind her) No! Let me go! I'm eeeeeevil! My hair is eeeeeevil. My horn thingy is eeeevil! 

Target Security: I don't care if you're evil, that shawl thingy is damn indecent. No shoes, no shirt, no service.

Audrey-Valgarv: (being dragged away) But I'm eeeeeevil! I'm eeeeeeevil! I'm EEEEEEEEVILLLL!!!! Err....can I please use your bathroom first?


End file.
